“How did you feel when you heard the news?”
Of all the questions the brunette
had anticipated, that was not one of them. Of course she knew the other woman
meant no harm, merely trying to make conversation while waiting. After all, the
place was rather gloomy. How cheery can that place get anyway?
Flabbergasted, the brunette could
only smile while desperately trying to avoid eye contact from everybody else. Heck,
she wanted to flee the room right there and then. She laughed it off and left
the question unanswered. However simple that question was, it was difficult to
provide words to piece the emotion that ran through her body while the news
broke out. It wasn’t a pretty sight, needless to say.
It happened a while ago, the second
half of the previous year. What started out as a normal day quickly went
downhill as the brunette struggled to keep it together and at least tried to pretend
to be herself while she was on a trip with her friends. They noticed her change
in behaviour but never commented, until one of them slipped into the car with
her.
“What happened?”
She could only shake her head and
reply weakly that she didn’t know what was going on and that she was scared. Her
friend reassured her that it will be fine and together, they drove back to the
house they had rented for the night. The brunette barely slept before she got
up and drove off, leaving her friends behind to wonder what was going to
happen.
It took another few days before her
worse assumptions came true. She had a hunch that it was the case but pushed
that thought to the back of her mind while she focused on better possibilities.
Her eyes watered as she avoided eye contact with anybody in the room. The brunette
tilted her head back to keep her emotions in check and conceal whatever turmoil
that was starting in her mind.
It was useless, futile even. When the
first tear drops cascaded down her cheeks, she became the first person in the
room to break down. Shoving her face into her palms, she heard others had
broken down, too. She could care less about the other occupants; her focus was
one the person occupying the sole bed in the room. Her mother.
The sight of her mother crying and
wailing to the doctors repeatedly “why me?” was something the brunette could
not handle. Things went from bad to worse when her mother gathered her in her
arms, even for that little while. She wriggled out of the embrace and stepped
back to make way for her sister. Pressing her face into her palms once more,
she felt arms wrapping themselves around her frame and clutched her tightly
“You can’t do this. You have to be strong, for your mom.”
Her aunt’s words resonated in her
ears and it worked for that few moments. When the doctors left and the crying
had stopped, her mother sent her out to acquire the full name of the said
disease. The brunette had relatively calmed down earlier took a deep breath
before heading out and asked for the doctor. As soon as she started to ask, the
tears came flooding back and she felt herself being guided by a tall figure,
headed to a waiting room near the main entrance of the ward.
The figure turned out to be a
doctor, an ex-student of her mother’s, and he explained the situation while she
rubbed her eyes and nose. The explanation was brief and the doctor left,
assuring her that prognosis was good and that she could use the room for as long as she liked. She paced in
the room and in true teh zhi ying fashion, began talking to herself, repeating “calm
down” and “get yourself together” in Japanese while taking deep breaths in
between. It never worked before and it certainly didn’t work then. But she did
it anyway, out of habit.
Cancer. Of all the bloody things. Cancer. And of all the people, her. Honestly,
why couldn’t it be me instead? Since, 1 in every 4 Chinese is bound to develop
something in their lifetime. I would’ve been a better choice instead of my mom.
I’m lazy, my food choices are abysmal, my lifestyle is even worse. I am
obviously a better candidate for something like this.
She fumed while pacing. Cursing in
every language and dialect she knew. Deep down, she prayed for the doctors to
be wrong, for them to have guessed wrongly, for the test results to come back
clean. But she knew that was not going to be the case. She gathered herself, as
best as she could, and marched out of the room.
When she returned, everything had
calmed down, almost.
If only she knew how to calm her
mind, since she already mastered looking fine on the outside.
If it was a different place and with
different company, she would have answered the said question with
“I felt as though the world had ended”
