Own Them

“when the need arises, you take care of problems yourself”

“Grow a backbone, have more self-confidence. Own your decisions.”

I’ve read those lines somewhere a while back and they glued themselves to my brain. I’ve been trying to tell myself that for quite a while now and unfortunately it never made me any more confident than I was previously.

I excel in running away from things, mainly, responsibilities at work. But ever since reading those lines, I’ve been trying to be more of an adult and face things head on. Things aren’t working out quite as planned though. I still find myself running away but not as much as I did. Mainly because I’m now being put into a position of power so to speak, very little power but still, some kind of power of authority.

I’m currently, what we call, a team leader. As the name suggests I now lead one or two subordinates out for fieldwork and call the shots. Not as glamorous as it sounds because it is scary af sometimes. Especially so when you realize that you’ve missed out some information and your reviewer is chasing them. It’s not fun at all.

You’d think that being a leader will cure me of what little self-confidence that I have, wrong. It didn’t do a thing to my non-existent self-confidence. If anything, being a leader actually brought my confidence down because my reviewers have not exactly been kind with their comments and treatment. On one hand, I know that they’re doing it for my own good; to train me to be a better worker. But on the other hand, it’s very taxing on my motivation and self-confidence level.

It’s like you trying your best, doing everything that you can think of. Then after five days you present what you’ve done to your reviewer but they asks so many questions that you don’t have answers for. Then you start to think “omg I’m an idiot. Why did I not think of that? how am I going to solve this now?”. It’s very demotivating.

And because of that I’m more scared than ever when having to make any decisions. So much for growing a backbone. Heh. I do own my decisions. They get me into trouble quite often. Self-confidence wise..well..better luck next time.

the life of a 20 something as told by Joey, Chandler, Phoebe and Rachel

This is an accurate representation of what is it like being in your 20s.

And I’m not saying it because I like the show or anything but it is accurate af (please google if you don’t get what’s af)

Like let’s take closer look at them:

First we have Chandler and Phoebe saying they don’t know what to do and I cannot tell you how true it is. Being fresh out of college is a scary thing because there’s no more guidelines for you to follow. No more adults telling you what to do. At least in college you still have your lecturers to say “you kids gotta study for your exams”. And the worst part is that you don’t even know what to do with your degree. Get a job, yes, but what job? Which company? You’re gonna be stuck because you’re lost.

The second, Joey and Rachel, also true. Entry level pay is pathetic. Like legit pathetic. Not sure how employers expect us to live off the pay they give us without the occasional skipping meals. The rent itself has already taken up around 20-25% of the pay, food is probably gonna be about the same. Let’s not forget transportation costs and toll fees and the occasional gatherings and outings. That’s not a lot you have left for savings at the end of the month.

Lastly, we have Rachel again talking about all that work and it’s not worth it and hating her job and not being sure to quit or not to quit. SO FREAKING TRUE I TELL YOU. I’m at that juncture now and it’s so frustrating. I hate my job, I want to quit, but then again I think I’m kinda good at it so I should stay? Ugh the frustration. Sometimes I get the feeling like all that effort and it’s not even worth it. Let’s get real here. All that stress, all that pressure and at the end of the day, I sometimes don’t even get a “hey, you did good today” or a “keep up the good job”. It kinda deflates your enthusiasm.

Another universe

i saw this while surfing tumblr, and of all the fandoms it got edited into, it was one of my favourite yet sinking (probably sunk) ships. the feels. sighs. my heart broke. ugh

read here

i like the theory though. like in another place, another time, another space, there is a version of us out there doing things that we can only imagine.