Four Walls and I

For a person who is already accustomed to being in a room alone, or in another word, being in a single room, I find it to be a bit puzzling as to how some find it almost impossible to adjust to the solitude of being in a room, facing four walls and a window. To be very honest once you get the gist of it, it’s really fairly simple.

Being in a room alone can drive a person mad if one has been in there long enough without any companion. I’ve been in a single room for as long as I can remember and now I find having a roommate one of the biggest hassles in the world. Unlike those more social people, I absolutely love being alone in a private space; be it being home alone or just being in my dorm room. There is that feeling of freedom in being in an empty private space.

I thrive on that little bit of freedom. To me, that is as close to being free as I am going to get. Once I step out the door, the world would be there to judge and control my every move. Figures of authorities would be there to dictate my life together with my peers. There is no way I can be 100% myself when I am out there. No, there is no way. Tell me, can you be 100% yourself even when you are with your closest friends and family members? If you say yes then you are a liar.

To be honest it’s perfectly fine for me to be talking to myself in a room. I mean, how else are you going to stay sane? Music and internet can only get you that far. Four walls, they’re going to be your best friends one day because trust me, nobody listens better than those four walls. I rant to them a lot, almost every day as a matter of fact. Call me crazy or whatever but it helps relieve that bit of tension and stress that had built up during the day.

A part of my life that contributed largely to the reason why I love being alone in private spaces is that from quite a young age I have dreamed of leaving the house and going off somewhere on my own. Perhaps it was my watching of too much American cartoons and TV shows. They always depict going off to college as this time in a person’s life when they leave their family for quite a duration of time and pack almost their whole room with them in their car, coming home only for the holidays. I’ve always loved the thought of that.

In this house I feel constricted. With unsupportive parents and a judgemental sibling I could not find any peace of mind neither could I feel free. My parents never really supported my interest. I cannot even watch a TV series without having my mother telling me to stop it. I’ve had that being said to me countless of times, my earliest memory of being told that was around the age of 12. I could not wait to get out of the house and be free.

That tiny bit of freedom is definitely one of the perks of being in a single room. Who cares if it’s just you and four walls? Once you get used to it, it’s actually one of the best feeling in the world. You can do anything you want in your bedroom and nobody will tell you “no, you can’t do that.” or “why the heck are you doing that?” It’s just you and four walls, who are not going to criticise you or anything. In that room you are free. In that room I am free. Free to do whatever I please with no restrictions. Free to eat, play and sleep for however long that I want.

I have had people telling me that they don’t understand how I survive four years in my dorm room alone. But for me, it’s more like how did they survive those years with another person in their room. They don’t understand me as how I don’t understand them. In the serenity of a single room, one is able to think better compared to when being in a room with another person. I personally cannot stand being in a space with another person and not talk at all. Perhaps it’s just me and I haven’t found that person where I can have a comfortable silence with. I find silence absolutely suffocating. I get uneasy and start to fidget and my voice goes up a notch. I think this is why I fit being in a single room best.

It also doesn’t help that I’m quite the loner and also I’m pretty quiet. I like being alone, as crazy as it sounds. But even I have my limits, I do go on an emo streak once in a while. But other than that I’m perfectly fine being alone. I’m pretty good at killing time. I’d get an A+ if it were a subject. I think that’s how I can live the way I do. Being alone does suck at times but most of the time, it’s actually pretty nice. You get to do things at your own pace instead of being dictated by others. Well, that’s one of the examples that I can think of at the moment. Pardon me, it’s 2am at the moment my mind isn’t working at its capacity.

Do you think I’m quiet? I think I am. My mom thinks so too, at least I’m much quieter compared to my sister. I don’t know when it started but I just got really quiet at one point in school back then. I guess that’s why I sort of fit in a single room? I don’t like silence between two people and I’m quiet, so the best thing to do is to put me in a single room. Plus I say the darnest things at times and you’d be surprised at how much people don’t understand what I’m talking about half the time. I’m like my best friend to be honest, in my little space I can say anything and I will crack myself up. 

Another perk of being in a single room I guess? Being able to act stupid and be comfortable with it.