Desperation

Forget;

I’m in a desperate need to forget;

I need to forget everything;

All the problems;

All the responsibilities;

All the drama;

All the fears;

Just for a while;

I would like to forget them;

Rest;

I’m in a desperate need to rest;

I need to get away;

All the problems;

All the responsibilities;

All the drama;

All the fears;

Just for a while;

I would like to rest;

Vent;

I’m in a desperate need to vent;

I need to vent to somebody;

All the problems;

All the responsibilities;

All the drama;

All the fears;

Just for a while;

I would like to vent about them;

Fight;

It feels like I’m in a never ending fight;

Typical “me against the world”;

All the problems;

All the responsibilities;

All the drama;

All the fears;

Just for a while;

Please halt this fight;

Rebel;

I’m in a desperate need to rebel;

Too much is going on at once;

All the problems;

All the responsibilities;

All the drama;

All the fears;

Just for a while;

Let me be me;

Thing

Do you have a thing?

I have a lot;

I have thing thingies;

Or “things” for short;

Like;

I have a thing about listening to music with my headphones;

I like to be able to listen to everything clearly;

All the instruments;

How they weave together effortlessly;

How the vocals bring the words to life;

How the most littlest part can be so powerful;

How you might miss it if you listen to it just like that;

I also have a thing about trying new things;

It terrifies me;

It’s outside my comfort zone;

It doesn’t make me feel at ease;

So I don’t like trying new things;

I would;

If you’re persuasive enough;

Or if I trust you enough to know that –

That it’s gonna be alright afterwards;

I have a thing about authority;

I don’t handle an authority figure well;

I rebel too much;

Must’ve been too obedient when I was younger to –

To turn out like this;

Always yes;

Not enough no;

So now I’m saying no most of the time;

Even if I didn’t;

I’d wish I did;

So that I don’t have to do whatever;

I have a thing about looking out the window;

Especially when it rains;

To see the chaos it’s causing;

To see the rain drops roll down the glass;

Quite calming actually;

The steady rhythm of the rain beating against the surface;

And the cold that comes with it;

I have many things;

What about you?

So much for TGIF

Today (yesterday, Friday, since i wrote this yesterday and posted it today) our office was greeted by grave news, grave news indeed. Our beloved manager has resigned, not the kns. It was shocking because none of us expected or even guessed that it was him. Ever since our boss posted the job ads on jobstreet, we have been guessing that either the kns or one of our seniors have resigned. Nobody guessed Manager-nim at all.

Manager-nim is our rock. He is the one that all of us approach when we have any problems. When the kns couldn’t help us, we turned to him. When we’re not sure what to do, we turn to him. Anything under the sun that we don’t know, we turn to him. Whatever we have to complain about, he will sit and listen and give us advice and all! We are nothing without him. In fact, the senpais are always telling us stories from years gone by of how great manager-nim was when he was still a regular staff. That’s how awesome he is.

We had a dinner with him just now and apparently Clover senpai and Leader senpai cried. Cried like legit cried, not just the little tearing up type. But I’m not too sure, I left early so I don’t really know the details. The senpais are very much attached to him. They’ve been together in this company for years now. Almost 3 I think. They’re not just losing a good manager, they’re losing a good friend too.

Am I sad? Of course I am. Just like the senpais I relied on him a lot too. I’ve gone out on fieldwork with him a couple of times and there was once where he really had my back when the client was lecturing/scolding me about a mistake I did, threatening to sue and the whole shebang. I was bloody terrified cause I was still a trainee back then, I thought my evaluation was going to be done for but no, manager-nim dealt with the client with me, he had my back. My evaluation was unaffected by that. And the both of us lived to tell the tale.

What angered me – or well, us – is that manager-nim told us that our boss did nothing to retain him. Even with one of our previous seniors that left us, he said that the boss told him

“you can easily be replaced”

That’s not what you say to somebody who has worked so hard for you, regardless the amount of time he was employed. The fact that boss didn’t make an effort to retain him really says a lot about how he viewed his employees. I’m sure that he doesn’t realize that all of us are still in that company not because we like him, but because we like each other. We get along well, we play well together and we work well with each other. And I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t know that without manager-nim, our company is pretty much doomed.

Manager-nim, together with Clover senpai and two others, were the initial members when our company was founded not too long ago. Yup, we’re a really small company back then. Actually, we’re still a small company now but the staff headcount has increased to about 15 or so. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that manager-nim has been in the company a long time and he knows a lot of things regarding the clients, the cases and even what’s good to eat in the surrounding area nearby the clients’ place. He knows everything.

Who is going to guide us now? Definitely not the kns and I don’t see the senpais trusting whoever is going to replace manager-nim enough to approach him/her with their problems. The kns, though there are some improvement attitude wise, but knowledge wise, she’s probably just as big of a blur case as I am. The only difference is that she has power of authority while I don’t. Simple as that. She won’t guide us, she doesn’t even have the patience to talk to us nicely without raising her voice or losing her temper. How are we going to survive with this sort of a basket case without manager-nim around? But our boss loves her. He thinks she’s one hell of a great manager. But all of us thinks otherwise. But our boss will never believe us because she puts up such a great act in front of him.

Long story short, we’re doomed and our boss is too big of a lansi to realize that manager-nim is not just an employee of his, but is a valuable member of the company, one that should not be let go. Anybody can see that only a fool will let manager-nim go.

right so this is happening

So yesterday a picture graced my timeline on a social networking site and I was surprised borderline shocked to see the details of the said picture.

Apparently two friends of ours went off on a vacation and didn’t tell anybody about it.

Anyway, that’s not the point here. The point here is that they went off without telling us. And none of them speak a lick of Thai. Must be having fun communicating with the locals.

So now that we have identified the point, the next question should be whether or not those who were left out of the loop are feeling butthurt.

Well, I can’t say that I don’t feel butthurt at all, but I can’t say I am butthurting greatly. It is disappointing that they went off without telling us. But then again, who are we that they have to tell us where they’re going. Right?

Right. I know it’s totally none of our business but still, as a courtesy, it doesn’t hurt to just let us know, na mean? This isn’t the first time though. There was once I remembered they were planning to go to Australia, the few of them and they didn’t tell at all until somehow I heard it from somebody and they were like yea, we’re planning a trip there. And that was that. No invitations or whatever. They must’ve thought that I wouldn’t join anyway so why waste the effort. I felt a bit bad after that. Even my mom was like “why they no invite you” or something along those lines. I had to lie and say something like “oh they know I’m having exams that time so they didn’t”.

Well I’m done making excuses for people who obviously don’t deserve my covering up for them. 

I’ve known for years that they’re not worth my time but I gave them the benefit of the doubt every time something like this happens. But I know, deep down, they are not bad people. They just have a problem with prioritizing other people’s feelings which is perfectly understandable if you ask me. A lot of people are ego-tisticle, big-headed, garbage dirtballs. (If you know where I got those descriptions from, here’s an A+ for you XD)

Throughout the years I’ve made, dropped and kept friends. The cycle continues on and on to be honest. There is no stopping. I probably have a scale on which I rank you in my “friends” list. It goes something like this:

(From lowest rank to the highest)

·         Hi/Bye friends

·         Regular friends

·         Frolleagues

·         Good friends/buddies for life

·         Chingoo

·         Dear

So yea, that’s what my current rank would look like. It’s a super silly rank 

but hey, everybody has their own ranking. Just that I put it up there for all to see. Hate me if you want. I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off!

to the rest of you:

love you guys!

disclaimer: all the gif are credited to their owners on tumblr. i do no own them

Na mean?

Write? You want me to write? Well I’m quite happy to oblige to your request to write up something. Even though it might just be a little sheet of things I found but it’s still better than what I’ve been doing so far.

Honestly, you’d think that being in my line of work is a bit more fun since people are always saying

“you can see a lot of things, especially if you’re in the outsourced line.”

Well, here I am and yea, while it is interesting, it is also a bit boring because I didn’t realize that everything was so clerical. You’d be surprise at the amount of paperwork I have to do. Like legit paperwork, not just those we have to type out but really cut, paste and fold the paper neatly into the files. I feel like I’m doing crafts most of the time and let me tell you something, that part is actually the best part of the whole process, the typing part not so much because we’re just summarizing everything into tables and where’s the fun in that?

But ok, let’s put that top part aside (wrote that the previous day and decided to call it quits).

I am so sleepy right now. Blame lunch, you’d think after a year of working I would be able to find a way to prevent that “after lunch sleepy time”. I haven’t but I have found a beverage that will keep me awake for a good few hours until it’s a reasonable time to start slacking off – teh ice.

Yes, teh ice or more commonly known as “teh peng” is the one thing that can cause me to be an insomniac. I made the mistake of having two cups during dinner and ended up not sleeping until after 2am. Worse mistake ever, never want to do that again.

Teh peng is mega awesome! My whole office is practically in love with the beverage lols every time we go out for a meal, you can bet there’d be at least 2 cups of teh peng ordered. Because it tastes awesome and it keeps us awake better than coffee does. Weird but I’m not sure true or not because I don’t think coffee. I take coffee once a while when I have to drive back home at night, but that also is neslo since I cannot stand the bitterness of coffee. Either it doesn’t affect me or the kick isn’t that much since it’s Neslo.

Either way, I’m just rambling here because I’m sleepy and I need to do something other than work to keep me awake, at least for another hour or so. I’m really sleepy, dark circles, eye bags and the whole shebang! It’s so obvious that I am in desperate need for sleep. I forgot how tiring it is to be the driver when we’re going out for fieldwork, tires you out twice as fast. Even more so when you are not alone in the car. I swear..this trainee drains my energy. She’s so chatty while I’m so not and I really just wanna jam to my songs but OTL she’s there and I can’t do anything. At least with Clover senpai I’m more at ease. With that trainee, I’m just so tense and awkward.

Ok, let’s put that middle part aside (I wrote it after lunch and it’s now after dinner).

So I’m chilling in my cousin’s room, which is cool because he’s not around and I get to conquer the whole room and also go online after hours which is something I don’t get to do usually because my dorm has no internet. Cue the gasps. I’m ok with it though.

I’m still tired. The unforgiving storm caused a huge jam and I officially loathe the trainee now because I hate having to go all out of my way just to drop her off somewhere near her dorm in Sunway. Do you have any idea how bloody jam it is and how bloody tired I was? I almost got into a crash like twice because I couldn’t concentrate properly. The rain was not helping either.

Anyway I think I’m going to tumblr for a while and then hit the hay. I haven’t tumblr-ed in like what? Two days. It’s so agonizing not being able to go on tumblr. I swear tumblr-ing is like chicken soup for the soul. Na mean?

i saw this on tumblr and well, yea.

it made me think about a lot of things, a lot of people and a lot of moments. it made me think about those who came into my life and changed it for the better. be it my good friends or artists that i decided to dedicate myself to.

so yea, thank you.

The Dark Age

On the morning of the 30^th of September, 2 posts on a Chinese social networking site crumbled our world. One was written in Korean while the other was in English, both devastating lives of thousands. What am I talking about? I’m talking about how the then member of Korean’s no. 1 girl group, Girls’ Generation, Jessica Jung, posted that she has been kicked out of the group for no justifiable reason.

Our horror began, that entire morning fans were glued to social networking sites waiting for information. Work was left undone, studies were left untouched. All were waiting for the entertainment company to make an official statement. We waited, and waited and roughly sometime before lunch it was released and quickly translated.

“Girls’ Generation will continue as 8 from now on.”

Jessica had been removed from the group.

Why you may ask?

I don’t really know exactly why for sure. But it revolves around Sica, who has been trying to build a future for herself when Girls’ Generation is no more. In August, she launched her very own fashion brand, Blanc, and she apparently is preparing to go to fashion school in New York. All while juggling the busy schedule of Girls’ Generation.

So this apparently led to the company asking her to choose, to prioritized what she had on hand. Of course she couldn’t choose, both were equally important to her. One on hand we have her youth, on the other we have her dream. She wanted both, she wanted to stay. She never wanted to leave. But she was removed.

The following day, Jessica released an official statement of her own via Blanc. In her statement, she basically elaborated more on her post on Weibo. She said that she had obtained permission and consent from both the company and her members to start up Blanc but about a month later, they, her member included, told her to prioritise and pick which is more important.

Long story short, she wanted to stay, the company kicked her out. She is no longer a member of Girls’ Generation. The 30^th of September marked an end of a generation.

The effect?

I’m seeing fans cry left and right on twitter almost the whole day. Most, like me, have lost the drive to do anything. And the worst part is, people who don’t understand our pain are thinking that we were being childish for letting something so trivial affect us so greatly.

Why do I care so much, you may ask.

Girls’ Generation is not just another obsession of mine. They are my coping mechanism. They pulled me through everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. From the dramas in high school to SPM to my Foundation and my degree and now my work life. They pulled me through it all. When I had nobody to cheer me up, they did with their silly antics in shows and programmes. When I needed motivation, their songs got me through. When I needed somebody to talk to, they helped me find new friends who would listen to me because we shared the same interests. When real life failed me, they kept me going through the digital world. They were my escape, my everything, when I wanted nothing to do with reality.

Through the 9 of them, I’ve learnt so many things. I learnt what was love, dedication, passion, friendship, excitement, disappointment and so much more. I learnt what was it like to be proud. When I look back at how far they have come, I feel like a very proud mother. They’re so precious to me, to us, the fans.

And now this has happened. The company is picketing us fans against ourselves. Jessica-biased fans are defending her while other fans are saying she should not be selfish and come back to the group. Others like myself are encouraging peace among the fans because when the company is hopeless, the girls only have us to back them up.

They had a fanmeeting party in China yesterday, the day the news broke out. The members tried their best but it was inevitable. Our baby Seohyun was the first to break while others were desperately trying to keep themselves together. Today, there was another fanmeet in Korea for three members Taeyeon, Tiffany and Seohyun. All broke into tears. How do you expect us to believe that these girls told Jessica to choose and turned their backs on her?

Seohyun told us to trust them one more time. And we will. Because, we can’t trust the company, we can’t trust the media, there is no PR team we can turn to, no insider we can trust. What else can we do? All we can do now is to sit, wait, and hope for the best.

Some are saying that we should be realistic that the chances of them being 9 again are slim. I do agree to an extent but I do hope that they get back together again and all will be well.

Because without you 9 girls, I got through the darkest days of my teenage life, I hope the 9 of you can get through this dark age as well.

Right now, it’s Girls’ Generation!

From now on, it’s Girls’ Generation

Forever, it’s Girls’ Generation.

There is much more to this story than what I've written.

Here

That might give you a clearer picture. What I've written is only the surface.