The Fish Tank

What am I doing with my life?

A question I find myself asking rather frequently these days. I'm at another standstill, hit another wall, stuck in another fish tank, one can say. Everyday is the same, mundane routine which I've grown accustomed to and yet, I make no effort to change it in the slightest way possible. Am I content with this routine? No, I would think not. While everything in my life seems to be under control, sometimes I wish it wasn't.

I've been playing it safe since I could remember. Choosing the safe route in everything that I've encountered so far. Safe is good, safe means that I will never have to be outside my comfort zone. When you're a small town girl trying to make it in a decent-sized city, your comfort zone is all you have. And yet, there will be times where I wish I hadn't. Safe also meant the same boring choices that even my friends could predict before I even make up my mind. I should be thankful that I have such observant friends who knows my quirks but I'm also disheartened that I've become such an easy person to read.

While my friends are all out there exploring the world I find myself being stuck in my own bubble. Jealousy rears its ugly head every now and then but it goes as quickly as it comes. I'm not one for such petty feelings because I have better things to do. An example of such would be surfing the web, catching up with my online friends and favourite people who don't know I exist. As pathetic as it sounds, it's comforting.

In a typical day, I wake up for work, have a quick breakfast while either surfing the Net (a leftover habit from my Uni days which I have yet to break) and then drive out to work. After some dilly-dallying the work day starts and I keep myself busy until lunch. Lunch is always a simple affair, we either order in, cook noodles or have white porridge with salted eggs. A boring combination even for a boring person such as myself but my colleagues are thrifty so I just go along with them. Lunches like these help me save money, too, so I don't complain. 

Work ends a few hours after lunch and while I was quite afraid to go home on time at first, I do it in a heartbeat these days because work has become mundane and there was no point in sticking around, unless it's for gossiping but it rarely happens with me. My colleagues will talk among themselves once our superiors have all gone home, I would be at my seat debating whether or not it is a suitable time to go home.

When I'm home, I get ready to cook dinner. Dinner is also a simple affair of either fried noodles or fried rice or sometimes even pasta. Dinners by myself allow me to recharge after an entire day of dealing with people. Such an introverted habit coming from a person who seems like an extrovert. Contrary to popular belief, I'm only extroverted when I absolutely have to. Most times, I'm perfectly happy being left alone to my own devices. 

Work has been uninspiring as of late and my useless boss is slowly getting on my nerves by frequently asking me to do things using the reason "I want you to learn." I, for one, would like to know what can I possibly learn from analysing the bloody expenses account every single month just because our big (also useless imho) boss doesn't know why our company's general expenses is increasing. Infuriating, is it not? To know that people who have been working in that company for more than 10 years are not in-tuned with what is going on in their expenses account. Some finance manager and director they are. From what I've seen, they only know how to get their subordinates to do their work for them while they bark instructions. I'm definitely not sticking around this company for long. Another couple of years and I'll want out, even if I already want to now.

A boring lifestyle befitting a boring person, I would say. Perhaps I've been gaming too much lately that I've been treating my life as an open-world game. Everyday I would leave my home on a "daily mission" in which my reward would be Experience Points (XP), cash, food and sleep, all in which I can enjoy when I come home at the end of the day. It generally helps in passing time, treating everything as though they were game missions and side quests to fulfill in order to complete the entire game we call Life. I've also tried going to work happily instead of "just going to work". It was in an interview with one of my current obsessions that she mentioned her changing her perspective of "going to work" and has started to enjoy working better. As her fan I would agree because she seems brighter now compared to last year or so. That method doesn't always work for me but I do try it.

When life seems to be at a standstill, keep moving even if it's the same steps you take every day. Circle your fish tank over and over, it beats standing still anyway.

Coming Home to Radishes and Red Velvet

I’ve been a kpop fan for about 8 years now and one can say that nothing makes me more at home than when I’m watching something kpop related, especially if it has anything to do with my favourite groups. Over the years, I’ve been fairly consistent with the groups I like. Anybody who knows me well can automatically tell that my favourite group ever is Girls’ Generation and my favourite members are Taeyeon and Jessica. My late high school and university life was spent fangirling about Girls’ Generation and other groups that I’ve come to like - f(x), SHINee, TVXQ and a little bit of EXO towards the end of my uni life.

You can say that that was how I would spend my days. I’d listen to their songs, watch their music videos, variety shows and even their dramas if they acted in any. Fanfics was one of the things that I’ve come to love because some of them are just so good and it’s amazing how these independent authors are just putting out these mindblowing stories for free. However, fangirling life tonned down by a lot after I started work. It was always work, work, work and if I had free time, I’d prefer to just sit quietly in my room and browse tumblr because that would be less energy taxing compared to having to sit through an entire episode of something. I just simply didn’t have the drive anymore.

Things got even worse after 930 (the SONE fandom equivalent of 911, the day peace and harmony shattered in our fandom and all hell broke loose). Kpop was just something I didn’t consciously kept up with anymore, instead I found myself rewatching old videos because they hurt less. Little by little, I lost touch with the fandom in which I called my home since I was in form 5. It was sad but unavoidable. I call myself a part-time/half retired fan now because I simply don’t have the heart and energy to keep up with them 100% anymore. This applied to all the groups I was in to that time. I slowly let them slip and only kept up with some of the new music they released.

In between I started watching western dramas that everybody seemed to be getting into. I watched all sorts of series like Orange is the New Black, Faking It, Supergirl, Agent Carter, Nikita, Friends, Ally McBeal, Riverdale etc etc. Some I finished, some I didn’t. I also went back to my roots and watched anime, my ultimate home.

Now, approximately 2 years later, I’m back! It started earlier this year when a few of my friends wanted me to check out this girl group called Mamamoo because they were just crazy talented and  hyper af. I checked them out and man I fell for them. It took a while but I fell for them completely. Their songs were catchy, the members are hella amazing and their group chemistry is just unmatched. I found myself sitting in front of the tv each night during dinners watching their videos, catching up on their variety shows appearance in the last three years and also catching up on their music. It was such a familiar feeling that I never thought I’d experience again.

A few weeks ago it happened again. I befriended this girl on tumblr and she was in to Red Velvet and I should give them a go. Didn’t really put much thought into it until one day I saw somebody link a gif of Red Velvet’s leader getting the shock of her life when one of her members crept up behind her and patted her butt. I linked it to my friend and she lost it. According to her, it was funny because the leader does that to her members all the time. The leader even has a favourite butt.

That phrase hit very close to home because my darling favourite, Taeyeon, too has a habit of patting her members’ bottom and she also has a favourite butt among her members. The very first thing I googled was to see some of the compilation clips of Red Velvet’s leader and butt patting. It all spiraled down from there. These past couple of weeks was basically also trying to catch up on 3 years worth of Red Velvet and I’m loving them so much right now. They remind me so much of Girls’ Generation it was almost like they were the mini version of the girl group that helped me through so many phases of my life.

Every day I look forward to watching or rewatching something of theirs. The thought of being able to go home and sit in front of the tv and watch them is so comforting and exciting! It’s almost like coming home again after a long, hard time. My friend says I found my safe space and yeah it really does feel like it. “blinded by love” she calls it when I said one of the members do resemble a bear.

So yea, this is just an update on what I’m up to lately. I’m on twitter more than I am here because to actually sit down and type up a substantial post is quite taxing especially when words just don’t seem to want to flow freely as you type.

Till the next post!