Mommy~ I want to go home

I want to go home!! Like seriously I do. These two weeks have been such a mental torture to me that I just want to run home to my mom. I really want to.

Last week was tiring having to prepare for 2midterms and 1 final quiz and being the same person I was all those years ago, I’m an epic procrastinator that will find anything small thing to distract myself from my books. I crammed for the tests last week and I barely made it through.

And this week, or these past few days really, have been so stressful and I was so tension because of:

1. My group leader suddenly threw the job of having to compile, edit, prepare the front cover etc and printing job to me on the afternoon the day before we were suppose to submit the report. And all that while I was thinking “oh, leader is going to do all those jobs” because my leader was a very capable person.

But I don’t know what happened to her or why she chose to do what she did, she indirectly gave me the job by asking me to compile everything and see if we exceeded the max pages allowed, my mood just went downhill from there. Because I was thinking “yo, you cannot do this to me. You cannot just give me the job at the very last minute while you give yourself a reason not to do it.” And while I was compiling, some parts were missing and I had to sms the person in charge to send it over. The ridiculous part was, we already had a FB chat box where all the parts were uploaded to and that person, apparently, forgot to do so. And trust me, I was screaming in front of the comp. like WTF I was supposed to be preparing for my midterm for Saturday and you throw this stupid job to me.

2. Then came another report which was submitted Friday morning. I could’ve finished it by Wednesday night if it weren’t for that previous job my leader threw at me and also if it weren’t for one of my team mates being so slow in doing her part of the report. And I was once again stuck doing the compilation, editing etc etc. Honestly, I’m stuck doing this crappy job every time we have a report to be done. Why? Because I’m an “ang moh sai” (Hokkien for banana) and because of my academic background. I come from a school where students are trained to speak well and fluent enough in English that we might have an accent of our own. Because of that I’ve been discriminated to be the editor for almost every single assignment/report that we have ever done since Foundation. There were a few times where I wasn’t the editor, those were rare moments of bliss for me.

3. Then when I wanted to sit down and finish editing my report, my housemate knocked on my door and said they were gonna have a family meeting and the topic of discussion was that we’re going to have to move by the end of April because the house owner is taking back the house. And I was like ‘WTF man..owner..shit you! SHIT. YOU.’ It created a huge problem for us, from deciding where to move and whether or not we still wanted to be together etc etc. and so when I had already decided which room I want, the office lady tells me somebody booked it already. I almost swore in the office. And now I’m stuck with a room that’s about 40—50% of the size of my current room, which is about 78square feet. I honestly felt that I’ve gone bankrupt and I’m being forced to move into a smaller room because that’s all I can afford.

Ru Er told me not to think about the whole moving thing too much because we have a test on Saturday (tomorrow) but I retorted saying that it will be swimming around in my mind the whole day and there’s nothing I can do about it. My mom told me the same thing a few minutes later and my chingoo burst laughing saying “wow, your mom knows you very well!!”

***

So right now there’s so much going on in my mind. I’m tired, I’m homesick and I miss my mom. I want to run home right now and never come back to the dorms because it’s just so stressful here. When the going gets tough, Zhiying gets going back to her mom. I’m alone most of the time now because I can’t find company for dinner and I always end up telling my friends “oh last night? Xue Hua and Lily accompanied me for dinner” because I always end up bringing that book with me because that is the only book I have in my room now.

I’m just tired. I haven’t been home in a month, which is the longest time to date. I haven’t seen my mom in a whole month, also the longest time to date. She would usually come and visit if I don’t come back after 2weeks but they had replacement classes on Saturdays so she couldn’t make it. OMG I think I’m gonna cry when I see her later. T^T

I may seem very independent and all, but actually I’m not. I may seem strong and reliable but actually I’m not. Inside I’m just a little girl who wants nothing but to stay by her mom’s side and never leave. I may seem like I make good decisions/judgement but those were all the past decisions my mom made and I’m merely following her examples. Whatever positive sides that you have seen from me, it is all a reflection of my mom and what I think she wants me to be.

I just..want to go home..to my mom. I don’t wanna stay here anymore. I don’t like it here anymore. Those Chinese speaking kids are all taking advantage of my banana-ness by making me clean up after them when doing reports etc.

I want to go home.